the irony of the phrase “it’s all in your head”
This is a blog post I wrote almost three years ago (on an old blog that I didn’t continue writing on) in relation to a health diagnosis that I had just found out about. I would love to say that was the end of the story, but in all reality it was somewhere in the middle. Here is the post as it was written back then, without any edits. The story of my journey to health and wellness will be continued and updated as part of this new essentially vibrant site…
2 April 2013.
I have been writing this post in my head for the last week. Usually when I first get into bed I think of exactly what I will say, and how… or if I should just keep it to myself. Not tell anyone. When the house is quiet and the busy has stopped and I have no option but to think.
“It’s all in your head”
It has been 7 days since I had the phone call I was dreading. With the news that, if I am completely honest, I was hoping I would hear. Because some news is better than none.
Because when test after test after test brings no reason for the constant “stuff” going on you really want there to be a reason.
Because a reason means an end in sight. Some way of moving forward and managing. At the very least an explanation and the feeling that it wasn’t “all in my head”. Even though the irony of the fact that it possibly is, is not lost on me…
So, I shall rewind a bit, and keep it brief [not so keen on any dr google advice so I will purposely keep the detail light, till I know more!]
Years of feeling ‘bleh’ with no reason has kept me a regular at the pathology centre – monitoring blood levels and basically hitting brick wall after brick wall in terms of reasons why I often feel the way I do. About 6 weeks ago I requested a full set of specialised tests to compare to ones I had done the year prior. I am a stubborn little so and so and I have never been willing to accept that there is no reason, so although I don’t understand much about the results, I figured I had to just keep persisting and one day, the puzzle pieces will fall together. My doctor ordered the tests and there was one particular one that I don’t believe we have ever done before. I have no idea what prompted him to order the test after all this time, but he did. As it turns out my prolactin results were high. Very high. I wanted to know what that meant immediately, but he convinced me to be patient and wait a month and re test. it could possibly be a error, or a random spike.
Fast forward a month and the levels had gone up more. Doc had his action plan that he had explained to me the month before, so we went ahead and I booked in for a MRI of my brain last Monday. Please don’t ever ask me what it is like to have your head strapped down and put in a metal tube with what seems like a random collection of jackhammers mixed in with beeping and buzzing right next to you head for a total of 45 mins. I will quite possibly tell you, and I am pretty sure you would rather not know! Not moving AT ALL for 45 mins (as in – don’t even let your stomach move as you breathe – yikes!) it makes me cringe just remembering…
You have a Prolactinoma [Pituitory Adenoma]
So, the next day after ringing three times to check if they had the report [they didn’t] on the 4th time they did. In my heart and in my stomach I knew before he even told me. An adenoma (fancy name for a tumor) on my pituitory gland [which is at the base of the brain]. So it is called a pituitory microadenoma or a prolactinoma. Thankfully, non-cancerous… Doc had left all his other patients backing up in the waiting room and was preparing urgent referrals to a surgeon and an endocrinologist so that I could pick up and hand deliver them, and hopefully avoid waiting months and months for appointments. Lucky for me the surgeon happened to be on his lunch break and advised that he need not be involved at this point in time due to the current (small) size of the tumor. Medication should [hopefully] help.
So, that is where I am at…
A week later, thinking I had three weeks to wait to see the specialist in her next avail emergency spot [much better than three months] but receiving a phone call today to say they had a cancellation and I go in tomorrow. I have no idea what lies ahead. We aren’t even sure if this adenoma is causing any symptoms, and it could be completely unrelated to what is going on health wise for me… So I could feel great soon, or just the same. But at least we have something to work on.
I am sharing this with all my lovely friends and followers today not for sympathy [and certainly not to freak anyone out], but because I made a decision that this blog would be real, and raw and honest. And so this, is where I am at. This is what is going on in my life this week…
I am freaking tired. and scared [though I keep pushing that one away]. Tired, did I say tired? I miss yoga, but I have ZERO energy, even for lovely bendy stretches. Even going to the shops, or listening to Liana talk and talk and talk some days is an effort… But in among all that I am relieved. Positive. Determined. A little excited… Excited that I now have a specialist who can hopefully help. We have a new direction to head in. We have a name for something that is going on – prolactinoma.
Everything will be ok!!!